Global Warming Hits Tampa
Posted on January 7, 2008
Filed Under In all seriousness, politics |
Many scientists agree that global warming is caused by CO2 emissions from child-exploiting factories owned by heartless tycoons. Methane emitted by middle-managers may also contribute. Unfortunately, these facts are hard to prove; one anonymous source conceded that hell will freeze over before there is proof that global warming is the result of human intervention.
The latest news might be a step along the road to the holy grail for global-warming-believers: global warming has struck again, and this time, Tampa is frozen over. Cleverly, global warming has recently been renamed to "global climate change." Therefore, any weather event constitutes proof that CO2 emissions are destroying the Earth's delicate climate. The following controversial photos are only available at start your head on fire:
These icicles (Icilius arcticus) were driven from their natural habitat by ozone-destroying emissions that have affected polar regions. Because ozone (O3) is one of the major components of smog, this herd of icicles migrated to a habitat more suited to its breeding patterns - Tampa Florida. Unfortunately this feral shrubbery is ill-equipped to compete with its new neighbor, and the rare Florida Spotted Shrub Aphid is in danger of extinction should the icicles encroach further.
Here we see a boxwood (Buxus microphylla) under attack by a swarm of Icilius arcticus. Though the boxwood is not native to Florida, it is better adapted to the climate and should prevail in time.
Here is one of the blog secretaries for start your head on fire. We are not sure if she is mourning the heritage rose, or just freezing.
This Poinsettia migrated to Florida a season or more ago and was fed by locals; thus, it never made its return migration. Unfortunately, the weight of ice appears to have smothered it. When questioned, wealthy senior managers of several large corporations declined to comment. Experts in horticulture blame corporations for the destruction of many non-migratory species.
This lemongrass took many years to cultivate, only to be brought low by climate change.
Yours truly and blog secretary #1, now resuscitated, posing in front of a very icy pear tree. A few more frosts like this, and perhaps the pear will make fruit; but at what cost?
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You have entered 'start your head on fire,' housed at www.robertbeverly.com. 'start your head on fire' is the blog of Robert Beverly. It is not a very serious blog. Mr. Beverly writes most of the news items, but you will also see us (Debbie and Secretia) posting from time to time to clarify things. We are his "blog secretaries."
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Rather than publish a biography or ask Mr. Beverly to record his memoirs (which would be dull), we thought we would post a summary for anyone who was wondering. He said we should do something like this because that's what other people's blogs have on them. Mr. Beverly goes by Rab, which is a common name for Scotsmen and their dogs. We call him Mr. Beverly in person because we're trying to talk him into a raise, but you can really call him Rab. Rab drinks gallons of coffee daily and makes jokes that we usually don't understand. We laugh politely because he writes the paychecks for Debbie and I (he hired us both as blog secretaries back in October 2006... we didn't even know what a blog was before this). Mr Beverly goes to the gym a lot, which is why he doesn't have time to type in his blog entries, and he does all kinds of weird exercises like Kung Fu and Yoga (NEVER ask him about this unless you want to hear all about martial arts). He enjoys literary analysis and esoteric reading and games like "Go" (the ancient Japanese strategy game) and chess, not to mention those weird "role playing" and "strategy" games he designs himself, all of which account for why we do not to start conversations with him. (Secretia here... what the hell was wrong with Yahtzee, I ask you?!) We like talking about peekapoos and the best grocery store sales, but we don't get to talk about that here.
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