Magic numbers… new principles for budding mathemeticians

Posted on September 13, 2008
Filed Under Saturday Satire |

We purchased a new mattress recently, and it has been an interesting experience. The mattress is 17″ deep, and 72″ wide x 84″ long (summary it’s cal king size, and it’s thick and cushiony…). So we went shopping for sheets, which means we got to draw a 72×84 mile square around Tampa and go to every bedroom store in the area (thank God for the ocean, where there are no bedding stores). Oh yeah I got to help shop online too. Yay.

Here is what we discovered about bed sheets. They are designed by the “new math” generation. For example, a description of a fitted sheet might say:
15″ pockets fit mattresses up to 17″ deep!
or
Sheet dimensions are 72″ x 83″ and 16″ deep… large enough to fit an 18″ deep Cal King mattress!
They also give dimensions for flat sheets that would appear to make them impossible to tuck under the mattress…. and hark, they really are impossible to tuck in (we used office clips to hold them down. You can do almost anything with office clips; they are almost as useful as coat hangers).

We could not figure out how some of these numbers were possible, so we got some sheets. We thought they might be “really stretchy.” No, they are not. Conclusion: this is the result of a failing school system, one that has produced sheet-designers who lack the very basics of mathematics.

What’s worse, I keep imagining other applications for this new math, and cannot seem to eject it from my head. I’m starting to think it could be useful in a reality-bending sort of way.

Example: If I make $10,000 per month, I can ’stretch’ my budget to fit up to 12,000 per month in expenditures.

Using this system, I could increase the usefulness of my car by “stretching” its gas mileage… or magically increasing its towing capacity… so many new doors opening before me!

Comments

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

  • starting your head on fire

    Delivers oxygen to your brain faster than all other methods! Proven in double blind placebo controlled studies.

  • Places to Go

  • Blogroll

    • Cato @ Liberty - Cato is a libertarian research foundation. If you wish to stay informed on public policy, you can not ignore the Cato blog. Pay them a visit.
    • Greg Lincoln
    • Modo Vernant Omnia - Tampa local with many topics of interest to my readers. As you might imagine, I could not resist blogrolling a site that has tags as diverse as: economy (with views similar), spinning (as in wool), ancient Greek stuff, and occult.
    • Nassim Nicholas Taleb - Fooled by Randomness - The Economist turned me on to Mr. Taleb, a trader turned philoisopher (as described by Forbes). His writing and his thinking are quite interesting, and certainly more worthwhile than anything you will find here.
    • Ouralexander.org - Site discussing informed consent in pediatric medicine, by a family that experienced the worst possible tragedy.
    • RiskProf - An Insurance Blog - A truly marvelous blog. I know risk & insurance are less interesting to most of you than organizing your sock drawer, but this is excellent writing. Besides, if you understand insurance you have the right to complain about it.
    • Schneier on Security - This will be your favorite security blog. Bruce Schneier exposes “security theatre” and proposes realistic problems and solutions. Stay up to date on security policy and IT risk management with CRYPTOGRAM, his email newsletter.
    • The Goodly Mr. Plotkin - My excellent friend Richard Plotkin. Read his musings and insights, or wander through the social network of MySpace users. Several of his blog-friends are people I went to school or knew other ways… I wonder if they will Google me and say ‘hi.’
    • Worlds Healthiest Foods - I love this website. It is all about the nutritional value of foods that are considered ‘healthy,’ with tons of sources cited.